Rick vs Freddy: Five nights of science, mystery, and wonder!
by Xcom-anders
Summary: <html><head></head>When Rick was forced to work nights as a part-time security guard, he probably didn't expect to have to deal with four homicidal robots. Or, maybe he did. You know what, you can't just go around assuming things, making judgements like that. It's poor character, it is. You know what, if you're so judgmental, maybe *UURP* you don't even need a summary. No skin off my back *drinks*</html>
1. Chapter 1

_I don't own Rick and Morty or Five Nights at Freddy's. Shocking, ain't it?_

Prologue

"…And it's been the third time this darn week! He and Morty were out all night yet again! And after we had a conversation about this, but _noooooooo,_ he has to go take our son gallivanting across galaxies or dimensions or cross country or… are you even listening, Beth?" Jerry cried.

His wife looked up from the issue of Equine M.D. weekly she was reading, barely stifling back yet another sigh.

"Jerry, Morty still attends class in the mornings, and he hasn't complained to me about going off on adventures with his grandfather every now and then. It isn't like Morty was doing that well in school in the first place, and at least this way, he can learn something more his pace," she argued.

"Not at three in the morning! We drew a line, and your father just keeps stumbling over it like a… a… someone who stumbles a lot!" Jerry yelled.

"Ouch, that cuts deep, Jerry. I-I-I don't know how I can make a comeback to that," Rick said as he walked into the kitchen. After giving his daughter a peak on the cheek, he opened the fridge and pulled out some kind of plant-animal-fungal-thing. He was about to walk away when Jerry grabbed onto the dish.

"I'm serious, Rick! I told you no more late nights with Morty! Some of us need sleep!" Jerry yelled as he pulled on the dish.

"Big deal, laying on your back wi-wi-with your eyes closed, REM, bla*augh*ankets. I'm just saying, I can think of a few better ways of spending ones time. Like building a robot, or finding another dimension, or bu*blech*ilding a robot to find other dimensions. Like, just this week, I brought over this little guy with Morty's help. Wh-what did you do last night? It's not like you guys have much of a love life, anyway," Rick said as he pried away his dish.

"Dad!" "Rick!" Beth and Jerry cried, respectively.

"What? Everyone in the house knows it. It's not like it's a secret in the neighborhood, either. Trust me, I can listen to the neighbors." Rick said as he started petting his mold-thing.

"… You know what Rick, I think I know exactly what you need," Jerry said, slowly.

"Oh, here it comes, Flbrcvitz, here comes the ultimatum," Rick whispered to his mold-thing as Jerry's blood began to boil.

"A JOB! Somewhere at night, where you can go and get out of this family's hair for a few hours every night."

"A job? Jerry, my talents and abilities are squandered in your trivial society. Not all of us can be a sales exec*blugh*utive or something similarly useless, Jerry," Rick said as he plucked out one of his hairs and "fed" it to the mold-thing.

"Well, it doesn't have to be forever, Rick. Just something that can keep you busy for a little bit. Why don't you look through the classifieds for something that tickles your fancy," Jerry said as he threw Rick the paper.

"Fine, whatever you want, Jerry. Just know that I'm not much of a "gainfully employable" individual. I hate rules, being talked down to, the system, conformity; I'm a total free spirit, Jerry. Not that you would ever understa-" Rick stopped.

"Dad? Is something OK?" Beth asked.

"Nothing, I think I found a decent BS job that'll keep your idiot of a husband off my back for a while," Rick said as he threw the paper aside.

"I'M RIGHT HERE!" Jerry said as Rick walked away. He was about to follow when he noticed that the paper only had one job listing on it. Curious, he picked it up, and read the article.

HELP WANTED

Freddy Fazbear's Pizza

Family pizzeria looking for security guard to work the nightshift 12 am to 6 am.

Monitor cameras; ensure safety of equipment and animatronics characters.

Not responsible for injury, dismemberment.

$120 a week.

To apply call 1-888-FAZ-FAZBEAR

As Jerry read this, his eyebrow started to rise. "Dismemberment?" he mouthed.

"What did you say?" Beth asked.

"Oh, nothing, probably just some liability mumbo-jumbo," Jerry said as he crumpled up the paper.

"Jerry, are you sure about making sure my father has a job? I mean, he isn't your typical retiree worker. He'll get bored easy," Beth tried to explain, once again, to her husband.

"Well, Beth, be that as it may, between the hours of midnight and six in the morning, this house will be a Rick Free Zone. I think it will be just what this family needs," Jerry exclaimed.

One week later

Morty awoke with the sound of a thunderclap. Looking out his window, he could see the drops of rain pounding against the frame. It had been nearly a week since Rick started his night job. Weirdly enough, he had never once complained about it, which was odd considering he would complain about almost anything. Still, at least Morty was getting his sleep.

He was about to doze off again when he heard a massive crash coming from downstairs. Leaping out of his bed, he rushed to his door, opening it to see his mom, dad, and sister all looking out as well.

"Dad, what the hell just happened down there?" Summer asked, brushing the dust out of her eyes.

"I have no idea. Beth, stay with the kids, I'll be back up shortly," Jerry said.

"Jerry, be careful," Beth pleaded as he went down the stairs. The three waited tensely at the top of the stairs, waiting to hear word from Jerry as he looked around in the dark. As he vanished into the darkness below, the family waited in silence. After a few minutes passed, they heard Jerry's voice from the shadows.

"It's fine, everyone. The garbage can was just overturned. It's probably that just that damn dog of Morty's."

"Uh, Dad, Snowball left for another dimension. R-Remember. He built a mech suit, tried to raise an army, almost neutered humanity, remember, Dad?" Morty asked.

"…Oh yeah. Then… who knocked over the—AAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Jerry!" "Dad!" the family screamed. Just then did a flash of lightening illuminate the stairway. Two large, hulking, hooded machine-gun toting figures had surrounded the family as they waited for Jerry to return. Immediately, the large blue one grabbed Beth, while the yellow one grabbed Summer and Morty. The two figures dragged the rest of the family down the stairs. When they reached the bottom, they saw that another hooded figure, with one with sharp fangs poking out, had slammed Jerry on the ground, police-style. The fanged figure looked up at his two allies.

"Great, you found the rest of _his_ family, aargh," the figure screeched, looking the four over. "Now tell me, mateys, which of ye be Morty?"

Before they could stop themselves, Jerry and Summer both pointed to the youngest member of the family.

"Aargh, good! Bonnie, Chica, stay with the rest of the landlubbers while I take him to the boss! Yeargh!" the fanged figure said as he carried the terrified fourteen year old in the direction of the garage. The fanged one opened the door, revealing a large animatronics bear sitting in front of one of Rick's glowing thingies that Morty couldn't remember what it did.

"Thank you, captain. You may tend to the others," the bear said, quietly.

The fox threw back its hood, and saluted the bear. "The Fazbear Liberation Army will guard the hostages with their lives, General Freddy. I hope your conversation with… _his_ grandson proves useful," the fox said as it closed the door.

Morty looked around the garage, terrified out of his mind that he was trapped alone with a huge robotic bear. That was, y'know, the worst kind of bear you could be trapped with. Slowly, the bear approached Morty, his shadow slowly covering the teenager until he could feel the heat from the machine's breath washing over his face.

"Tell me, Morty, does your grandfather ever share his knowledge with you?" The bear rumbled, softly.

"I-I-I-I don't think you're talking to the right person. I-I-I mean, Rick usually does his own thing, why don't you just ask him for whatever-"

"NO!" the bear roared, startling Morty to fall back on his ass. "I AM ASKING YOU, MORTY! DOES YOUR GRANDFATHER SHARE HIS KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU!"

"Y-Y-Yes! Oh God, Yes!" Morty confessed, panicking.

"…I see… well then, there is only one thing left to do…" the bear said as he towered over Morty. Suddenly, and without warning, the bear fell to the ground, and began clutching Morty's leg.

"PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP US! IT'S HORRIBLE! YOU CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE HOW HORRIBLE IT IS! OH-HO-HO," the bear began to sob.

"W-W-Wh-What?" Morty asked, confused.

"Your grandfather took up the night guard position about a week ago, and he turned the pizzeria into a living hell… FOR US!" the bear sobbed.

"Wait, I'm a, I'm a little confused. Who, or what are you?" Morty asked.

"My name is Freddy. Listen kid, I've got a bunch of animatronics nearly running out of juice just trying to get the hell away from your A-hole grandpa! So here's the deal; you help us get the hell off this planet your grandpa is on, and I don't order Foxy to gnaw off your family's skulls," the bear relayed to Morty.

"And Foxy is…?" Morty asked.

The bear just stared up at Morty. "…I'm seriously putting the group's lives in the hands of this idiot," he said to himself.

"Hey, listen, I-I'm just a little confused here. Maybe you could, y'know, you could just start from the beginning. Y'know, to make sure we're on the same page, and stuff?" Morty asked.

The bear sighed. "Fine, kiddo. It all started six nights ago…"

**Decent start? Complete crap? Please let me know!**


	2. Chapter 2: Night 1

Night 1

Mike waited outside, glancing nervously at his watch every few seconds. It was almost midnight, and if the new guy didn't get here soon, he would have to guard the whole building himself for another night. Mike gulped. The animatronics… they were starting to learn how he defended himself. It would have only been another day or two before they finally had him cornered. Maybe the new guy would have a better stomach then he did.

Eventually, some weird flying saucer type thing crashed right down next to Schmitt's Acura. Some older guy stumbled out of the cockpit, with no more then six bottles accompanying him. Nervously, Mike approached the man.

"So, uh, you're the guy who called?" Schmitt asked.

"Uh, yep. Are you going to give me a tazer or will I have to b*burp*ring my own?" the man asked.

"Uh, no, they don't give you a weapon. Or… anything, really. I'll… show you the control room," Mike said as he urged the older man to follow him. They entered the front door of the pizzeria, the rest of the staff having already finished up their duties for the day. The pizzeria smelled of snot, imitation brand cheese, and despair. Kind of like Jerry's home office, now that Rick thought of it. As they cut through the hallways, Rick noticed that Mike was constantly checking his watch. Eventually, the entered the security control room, and Mike urged Rick to sit down.

"Ok, now where do I start? All right, this here is your tablet. You can use it to check the cameras throughout the facility. You'll probably want to use them to… keep an eye on the doors… or halls… or probably just the animatronics," Mike whispered nervously.

"Uh-huh," Rick barely responded as he downed another sip of his flask.

"See, the thing about the animatronics is that, well, during the night, management activates their free-roaming programming, and they kind of wander around the place and… get into trouble. Another thing that you should know is that if they see you, they'll probably think you are some kind of exoskeleton without the suit and put you in one, which, trust me, you probably don't want to happen, what with the cross-beams and the wiring. Oh, and I will advise that you check up on Pirate's cove every few minutes, cuz that animatronic gets kind of antsy when… are you even listening?" Mike asked.

"Wh-wh-wha? Uh, yeah, I read you loud and clear!" Rick lied.

"…Mr. Sanchez… are you drunk?" Mike asked.

"*pfth* No… yeah," Rick admitted.

"…I see, well in that case, I guess I'll be back to cle… I'll be back to check up on you later. See you in the morning, Rick. Oh, and by the way, the control center constantly loses power throughout the night, so try and ration it, if you would be so kind."

"Uh-huh, thanks for the concern. I shudder to think of wh*burp*at could possibly be waiting for me at this dreary hour," Rick said, sarcastically.

Mike sighed, and then finally checked his watch one last time. His eyes widened with horror. "Alright, Mr. Sanchez, it looks like I'll have to cut this orientation short. Right now, I've got to… go to a dentist appointment. Later." With that, Mike rushed out of the control room. Just before he got to the front door, however, he stopped right in front of the three main animatronics, and subsequently, flipped off all three before practically diving though the main door. Rick finally glanced at the clock on the wall. 11:59… 12:00.

Rick reluctantly picked up his tablet, lazily flipping through the cameras throughout the pizzeria. Clutching his head, Rick wondered if there was any place this time of night that sold antacids. Right now, he was nursing the mother of all hangovers. Over in the corner of the tablet, he noticed the power meter.

"The heck?! I'm only a minute into the damn shift and I've already lost two percent?! Of all the…" Rick groused as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a green-glowing cube. "Now, let's see just what kind of system we're dealing with here…"

* * *

><p>Midnight. The hour was upon us. The time to play was now. The new one had no idea of what was coming. He would be easy prey. They waited for an hour or two, but then it was finally time to make their moves.<p>

Bonnie was the first to leave his post, slowly stalking through the dining area, slowly snaking his way through the west hall. Chica was the next to follow, disappearing into the east to follow. He looked up at the camera, which had yet to be activated all night. The fool had no idea what was coming. Freddy laughed out a deep, ominous chuckle. All he had to do was sit back and wait for the screaming. For two hours, absolutely nothing passed. Freddy found himself glancing at the clock overhead for some time, something that had never happened in all his years of hunting. Finally, Bonnie came back through the dining hall.

"Erhm, Boss, me and Chica… well, we gots us a situation," The rabbit nervously tittered.

"If he's been locking you out this long, then it'll only be a matter of time before he finally runs out of power, you idiot. And what did I say about talking during the night hours?" the bear growled.

"Erhm, that's just it, Freddy. Sees, we've been waiting outside the locked doors for hours, and it seems that, well, the power ain't goin out."

"What?!" Freddy yelled, angrily.

A loud screech pierced the throughout the building. Shortly afterwards, Bonnie and Freddy could hear the sound of someone clearing their throat.

"Eh-hem. Attention all cursed/defective animatronic losers. This is the new night watchman, Dr. Rick Sanchez."

Bonnie and Freddy looked directly at the camera; meanwhile Rick was leaning back in his chair, wrapping a wire around his finger while speaking into the microphone.

"Yeah, this place was giving off some creepy ass curse vibes. No doubt that Needful amateur had a hand in this place since the re-launch. A bunch of scary, haunted animatronics, ooohhhh, that's original. James Cameron called, he wants his concept back. And-and have any of you idiots even heard of the Three laws of Robotics?" Rick started to rant.

If Freddy had lips, they would have been curling. Never before had someone been so arrogant to him. He would make it his mission to humble this guard if it was the last thing he ever did.

"Yeah, I've been around the block a few times, and in a few different dimensions. Re-animated animatronics, it's a little o*belch*ld hat to me. In any case, I don't feel like messing with you guys right now, so I just hooked up a perpetual energy battery to the power supply, and I'm keeping the doors locked right now. So you can stare at me all you want, you weird failure turkey, you aren't coming in til six," Rick said as he looked at Chica staring at him from the window.

Bonnie and Freddy looked at each other. "Well… this is… unprecedented," Bonnie said.

"…Bonnie, have everyone meet me downstairs," Freddy finally said.

"Wait… you mean…" Bonnie finally began stammer.

"Yes, it's time to dust off the War Room."

* * *

><p>Rick watched as the fail duck and the blue muskrat retreated with the bear behind the curtains. Rick smugly leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet up on the desk.<p>

"VVVVVii*hic*ctory!" he exclaimed as he downed the rest of his flask, before finally passing out and falling from his desk. Had he remained conscious a little while longer, he might have noticed all the cameras being cut from the power grid…

Present day

Foxy kicked down the door to the garage, interrupting Freddy and Morty's talk.

"Yeargh, we have to go, now! He's on to us!" Foxy exclaimed, all while grabbing onto Summer's hair with his claw hand.

"Balls! Captain Foxy, each of you takes a family member and get out of here! Divert their attention, hold them off as long as possible!" Freddy ordered. "Aye-aye, general!" Foxy saluted with his hook. With each of the animatronics carrying a relative, the all rushed out of the house. In the distance, Morty could make out the sound of an engine starting up.

* * *

><p>"Yeargh, all right ya land lubbers! Git into that thar landcraft, yeargh!" Foxy exclaimed.<p>

"R-r-right, sure thing Mr. Fox," Jerry said as they approached the enchilada truck, which had been retrofitted with barbed wire and steel plates.

"Why the heck did you guys choose a food truck for a getaway vehicle? Beth asked as they approached the back. "It's not exactly inconspicuous."

"Aargh, shut yer filthy mouth, ya smarmy wench!" Foxy screeched.

"Hey, no one talks to my wife like that!" Jerry finally said, trying to puff out his chest. He was about to try and lay into the fox when the chicken opened the back end of the truck, and something tumbled out the back. It looked like some kind of… kangaroo. When it fell out, however, the face turned over to reveal two human eyes popping out of the mask. The family screamed at the sight.

"BONNIE, CHICA, SHUT THEM UP BEFORE THEY ATTRACT ANY MORE ATTENTION!" Foxy screamed.

The family was roughly pushed into the back of the truck while Foxy ran around and took the wheel. As he prepared to burn rubbed, the ominous sound of cackling filled his auditory sensors. Looking up at the dashboard, he saw the figure leap onto the hood of his truck.

"I SAID IT BEFORE, AND I'll SAY IT AGAIN! YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE, BITCH!"

Foxy screamed, and slammed the truck into reverse, the tires of the truck squealing as they shook off the lawyer-friendly caricature and drove into the darkness.

* * *

><p>Freddy pressed his ear against the side of the garage door, sighing in relief as the food truck made its getaway.<p>

"Alright, that should buy us some time. Now, kid, where does your grandpa keep his useful stuff?" Freddy said as he started rummaging through the boxes on the shelf.

"Uh, wh-wh-wait, who's "them?" You did say "them," right? Who else is following you?" Morty asked.

"Jesus, kid, you ask a lot of stupid questions. When we started pressuring your grandpa, he… called some backup. As I said, we got to get gone tonight!"

"I-I-I don't know. It sure sounds like all he did was keep you from getting him. That doesn't sound so horrible," Morty stammered.

Freddy ran a paw down his face. "You are one thick kid, huh? You wouldn't have happened to… nah, that was way to long ago. Alright, fine, things really started to get hairy the next night…"


	3. Chapter 3: Night 2

Chapter 3: Night Two

To make the next night a little more bearable (Morty: Hey, that's-that's funny Rick. "Bear"able. Heh-heh! Rick: Morty…shut the f*belch*ck up) Rick had brought with him a portable television, a margarita machine, and an 8-track player. The last of those he brought wasn't because he wanted to play a mixtape, but simply for the sheer joy that would come from humiliating those animatronic rejects yet again with his perpetual energy battery. As he leaned back to watch another marathon session of DVR'd Ball Fondlers Season 15 episodes, Rick wondered whether or not he had forgotten something. On a whim, he brought up the tablet, just in time to see a pair of gnashing chompers barreling towards him. Leaping from his seat, he slammed the door down just in time to hear a satisfying crash against the doorway.

"Oh, yeah, eat that! You're that pirate wannabe, right? Why don't you go swab a poopdeck or whatever you pirate furries do?" Rick taunted before taking another swig. Foxy could only impotently claw at the door before looking up at the camera, seeing the power light die.

"I told you it wasn't going to work, dumbass," Bonnie called out from down the hall.

"Yeargh, I believe it'd be worth a shot," Foxy replied.

"Both you dumbasses shut up, Freddy wants us in the war room ASAP," Chica hollered from the stage. As the two other animatronics returned, Bonnie lifted up a trap door, leading down to a rarely used maintenance shaft. Freddy dubbed it the "War Room" in the event that one day management would try and do something like deactivate them, but after nearly three decades, nothing had come up. Until now.

As Bonnie and Foxy descended down to the shaft, Freddy had been hard at work drawing up a battle plan, which on paper looked an awful lot like an exceptionally shoddy kindergarten drawing.

"All right you morons, starting tonight, we are now starting Operation Screw Sanchez (Bonnie, if you start giggling again, I swear to God…) anyway, thanks to our efforts the during the previous night, Chica has successfully broken into the ventilation system. Bonnie, is your concoction ready?" Freddy asked.

"Erm, yeah, I guess boss," Bonnie shrugged.

Freddy immediately slammed the rabbit into some support beams. "DON'T YOU DARE F*** THIS UP FOR ME, RABBIT! WE CAN'T AFFORD A MISTAKE AT THIS JUNCTURE! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT WE LET SCHMITT SLIP THROUGH OUR FINGERS!"

"T-Take it easy, Freddy! I'm not trying to say that…" Bonnie stammered.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE EMERGENCY DOORS LOSE POWER? DO YOU? WE'RE LUCKY WE LASTED THIS LONG WITHOUT AN OSHA VIOLATION, AND I'M NOT GOING TO SIT BACK AND LET SOME DOC BROWN RIPOFF PISS ALL OVER OUR HARD WORK!" Freddy continued to scream.

"Ok, Ok, I see your point! Yes, at any rate the concoction will definitely force him out of the control room," Bonnie assured his boss.

"It had better. Foxy, get in position."

"Yeargh, I set sail for the Pirates Cove!" Foxy announced as he left the shaft.

"… Why does that idiot never break character?" Chica asked.

"Having some trouble with the girlfriend. It's really all he's got," Freddy shrugged.

"Wait, Foxy has a girlfriend?" Bonnie asked.

"Wait, we can have relationships? We're haunted robots or whatever, so how would…" Chica was about to start.

"Look guys, I'm just a regular old homicidal animatronic bear. I'm not the brain-dead hack writing this thing," that asshole Freddy prattled out of his stupid yapping trap.

Rick was just about to start the next seasons queue when he smelt a very peculiar odor.

"Hmm, smells like…*sniff* ammonium nitrate, bleach, and _sniff-sniff _Brand-X cheese. Nice try, assholes, I just get buzzed on stronger stuff! Wait… is that… HAND SOAP! UUUGGH!" Rick breathed through his hands as he immediately dived out of the control room. With the horrific odor behind him, Rick only had time to take in a few deep breaths before realizing the familiar march heading towards him. Servos whirring, teeth chomping, eyes blazing with madness, that stupid pirate furry was barreling towards him. Fumbling into his back pocket, Rick pulled out a device. Just as Foxy leapt towards him, Rick fired. Foxy disappeared into a green light.

Elsewhere Freddy was watching the whole incident on his own monitor.

"HOLY SHIT! HE KILLED FOXY! HE ACTUALLY KILLED FOXY!" Bonnie screamed!

"All IS LOST, AAAAAAHHHH!" Chica screeched.

Freddy had to grab both of them by the throats, lifting them off of the ground.

"Shut up, both of you! Is this how you want to honor your friend? Foxy gave his life for us, and I for one will not just sit back and allow his memory to be forgot-"

"Hellooooo? Anyone h*belch*ome?"

The three animatronics looked up in horror as the graying scientist descended clumsily into the depths of the "war room." Reaching for his flask, he took a swig as he fished around his back pocket for something.

"Cute little club house you got here. Little dusty though, I can tell you guys haven't used it that often. Am I seriously the only person who's given you problems?" Rick asked, only mildly interested in any responses he could get.

Freddy was the first to react. Howling wildly, the bear charged towards Rick, shrieking electronically. Almost unconsciously, Rick held out that peculiar device that made Foxy vanish. Freddy immediately stopped in his tracks.

"What… what did you do to Foxy?" the bear asked through gritted teeth.

Elsewhere in dimension 34 DV

A green portal just suddenly appeared off the ground, dropping the pirate off of the ground. He looked up to see immediately that he wasn't alone. The mist obscured his vision for a few moments, but once they adjusted, he could make out a few figures in the nearby vicinity.

"Aww, look at him. Such a cutey."

Can I keep him? I just want to snuggle with him all day and night!"

"And his cute little ears! I can't even…"

The voices were all high pitched, giggling, and… feminine? As the mist began to clear, Foxy got a better look at the figures. They were foxes, but they were all proportioned like humans. Like the kind of humans one would see in a glamour magazine cover, especially around the chest area. Not, uh, that Foxy would know.

"Is the little baby lost?" one of the vixens asked, in a condescending tone that Foxy found to be oh so sexy.

"Maybe we could have a little fun with him?" another suggested.

Fox's ears perked up. Maybe today wasn't going to be such a waste after all. His good mood diminished when he looked down at his pants, realizing that he wasn't exactly "properly equipped" for the job.

"Yea—er, sorry, ladies, but it appears me lacks the proper schooner to dock with ye ports, argh," Foxy admitted, sheepishly.

"Oh, that's OK, baby. We don't mind," one of the vixens coaxed him.

"Ye don't?" Foxy replied.

"No, silly. We already have some," another answered, before they all stood out of the water, showing just how "well endowed" they all were.

Back at the pizzeria.

Rick held out the speakerphone as Foxy shrieked. The other animatronics could only look in horror.

"Yeah, dimension 34 is pretty messed up. Like, I'm all for freedom of expression, but there's just some things that even I don't want to touch with a long pole, as I'm sure your buddy will soon attest. Now, if you don't want to join him, MARCH!"

With their hands behind their heads, the three were lead from their war room and marched through the pizzeria, stopping just outside the janitorial station. Rick opened the door to the broom closet, and motioned them to get inside.

"… you have to be joking…" Chica said as she looked into the cramped coffin sized space.

"I n*burp*eed you guys out of my hair while I disinfect the security room. It's either this or futa-land, so pick!"

All the animatronics shot him dirty looks as they crammed themselves into the closet. There they remained until just before six o clock, when Rick remembered to release Foxy. When he stumbled out of the portal, Foxy immediately b-lined it towards Pirate's Cove, not even bothering to try and take a bite out of Rick's skull, instead diving into his ship as he whimpered. As Rick practically whistled while he left, Freddy muttered under his breath that the war was about to escalate.

Present day

Freddy just grabbed boxes of Ricks stuff as he threw them to the ground, not caring about the mess he was making.

"Freddy, st-st-stop it! You're going to make Rick really mad!" Morty begged.

"Eat a dick, kiddo! I don't aim to stick around this rock any longer then I have to! Your grandpa can hang out in futa-world for all I care!" Freddy screamed as he sifted though Rick's junk.

"F-Futa-world?" Morty asked.

Freddy looked up at Morty, his expression as grave as he could make it. "There are some things man was not meant to know," before diving back into the junk pile.

"Oh, OK, just, uh, just what are you trying to look for, anyway?" Morty asked.

"I don't know, Morty! A book about making spaceships, or a dimension gun, or something that could help me make either would be preferable," Freddy growled.

"Oh, you mean something like this?" Morty asked as he held out a blue box with a button on top. Freddy grabbed it, looking it over top to bottom before gingerly pressing the box. There was a **poof** and suddenly, a blue, featureless creature was standing before him.

"_**HI, I'M MISTER MEESEEKS, LOOK AT ME! WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, TODAY?"**_


	4. Chapter 4: Night 3

**Hey, if anyone is in the market for some nice, quality R&M crossovers, if you already haven't done so, please check out Insane Guy of DOOM's Bioshock infinite crossover "Rick and Morty Meet the Lettuce Twins." It's short, it's awesome, it's funnier then mine, and there's, like, 50% more alcoholism! What are you waiting for! Go get your fake doors… I mean, read the fic!**

Chapter 4: Night 3

"WUBBALUBBADUBDUB!" Rick screamed as he kicked the doors in before his shift began, breath stinking of alcohol moreso then usual. After releasing a belch that shook the foundations of the very building, Rick stumbled towards the control center, but not before stopping in front of the three animatronics. Drunkenly, he approached the bear and started to slur.

"H-hey, buuuuuuddy! How's **BUUUURP** life treat'n ya? You's guys," he paused to take a swig of his flask, "you's guys are chumps, heh-heh-heh," he laughed as he clumsily exited the stage, tripping over a table full of party supplies. He laughed as he picked himself up, and Freddy could only look on with burning rage until the clock finally struck midnight. By then, Rick had already re-entered the security office, and had once again hooked up that infuriating perpetual energy battery. When the minute hand overhead finally reached the top, Bonnie looked over at Freddy before nervously tittering, "So's, Boss, eh, what's we doin today?"

"Nothing."

Chica looked over in alarm. "Wait, you said "nothing?" As in, nadda, niet, nil, the concept of nihilism, zero…"

"Yes, Bonnie, I've read Wikipedia too, I know what nothing stands for. We are going to do nothing," Freddy said as he glared at the camera, knowing Rick was on the other end giving him his traffic advisory fingers.

"Wow, Boss, I mean, I know things can get gnarly with some of the guards, but giving up after two nights, well, that's steep." Bonnie wondered aloud.

Freddy shrugged. "Well, what can I say? Rick, you beat us fair and square! Gentlemen's rules! Well done! Everyone, congratulate Rick on a job well done!" Freddy said as he started to applaud. Bonnie and Chica, with Foxy peeking out from the cove, all looked at him quizzically. Freddy, still applauding, looked at his companions. "Come on everybody, applaud Rick for beating us fair and square!" he coaxed, sounding a little strained.

"Boss, are you OK?" Chica asked, concerned by Mr. Fazbear's behavior.

"Honestly, Boss, it isn't really that big a deal, we can try again when he quits," Bonnie suggested.

"Bonnie! Chica! Would you please! Congratulate! Rick! On! A! Job! Well! Done!" Freddy strained through a fake smile, now clapping so hard his paws were starting to have his exoskeleton exposed. Cautiously, the other two started to join in clapping (Foxy abstained, for obvious reasons) and together, they started cheering on Rick.

"Go Rick, you rock!" Bonnie screamed.

"You know how to party!" Chica cheered.

"Aargh! Ye be the best mate of the whole establishment!" Foxy joined in.

Freddy kept staring at the camera.

Rick watched as the whole event unfolded before him. Eyebrow arched, he switched between the stage and pirate's cove, watching the furries cheer him on.

"OK, Fred, what are you up to?" Rick asked himself as he started to cycle the cameras through the establishment.

"Dining area, dead, hallways, dead, bathrooms, dead, kitchen, busted, stupid bear poster, different. Whelp, that's all I got!" Rick said to himself as he put down the monitor to take another swig of his flask.

"Here, you can, you can have this for a bit," he tossed to the tablet to the golden suit sitting across from him as he downed the flask for the fifth time that afternoon, before belching and prepared to doze off to sleep.

"G-goodni-goodnight, empty cursed suit! You're-you're like a Morty that does- that doesn't suck," he said as his eyelids grew heavy.

An ear-piercing shriek later, and Freddy immediately leapt from the stage.

"Oh, did you guys hear that! Did you guys! Hear! That!" Freddy exclaimed as he started to dance.

"Wait, Freddy, what happened?" Bonnie asked.

"I just sicc'd that defect on Sanchez! Operation Screw Sanchez part deux is a success!" Freddy exclaimed as he started to power slide into a party table.

"Wait, you weren't giving up?" Chica asked, incredulously.

"No, you stupid quail! I knew if we couldn't get our claws on Sanchez, we needed some heavy artillery! And you don't get no heavier then Golden F**king Freddy!"

The empty suit roared as it rose from the ground, towering over the senior scientist.

Rick, caught completely off guard, stumbled out of the swivel chair, backing himself up against the wall. As the bear came closer and closer, Rick weighed his options. _Well, judging from some quick assumptions, that bear is clearly governed by properties not traditionally found in this universe. Shooting it with the ray gun would risk agitating those properties into an unstable quantum state, risking a rupture in the localized space-time continuum. Mass is approximately thirty pounds, or thirteen point six kilos if I was (ugh) European, of course that doesn't take into account any supernatural auras or spirits infesting the suit. That leaves me with only one viable option!_

Immediately, Rick got to his feet, braced himself, and charged towards the suit. As the beast began to roar again, Rick leapt into the beast's mouth, his skinny frame easily allowing him to be swallowed whole. Caught off guard, the suit looked around, confused by what had happened. Believing its prey had literally exploded in fear (as living creatures were wont to do) the beast returned to the void from whence it came.

"OOf, cramp! AAAAhh, this is tight! This is, this is really tight!" Rick wheezed as he struggled for breath inside the suit. "Not like my ex, huh buddy!" He joked to himself.

"I don't know what you're talking about," the figure behind him replied.

"What the, who the heck are you?" Rick stammered.

"Oh, hello! I used to work night security at Freddy's before they… before the animatronics got me and stuffed me in the suit. My name is…" the security guard began.

"That's lovely, don't care," Rick replied as he struggled to get his arm free.

"So, uh, what are you doing here? I figured I'd be seeing Mike here before too long. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Skinny fella like you isn't going to break the suit any," the guard rambled on.

"Uh-huh," Rick said as he managed to pry the portal gun from his pocket.

"So, uh, how long has it been since you started, huh?" the guard behind him asked.

"Bout **belch** two days," Rick said as he motioned the gun closer and closer to his teeth.

"Wow, that's… that's something. Most people last a week, but I guess we can't all be the best players on our first run through, huh?" the guard continued to blather.

"Friend, I ha*burp*ven't even begun to start!" Rick said before using his front tooth to activate the device.

The animatronics all gathered around the toilet, staring into the abyss.

"Chica, if you would please," Freddy asked solemnly. Chica approached with the glowing cube in hand, presenting it to the acting high priest.

"With this offering, O infinite one, we present thee," Freddy chanted as he plopped the cube into the water. "Foxy, now!" he cried as the pirate pressed down on the plunger. The cube swirled around and around until it vanished down the pipes.

"It's finally over, boss. The nightmare is finally over," Bonnie said as he patted his boss on the shoulder. "Now they'll have to rehire Mike!"

The animatronics all shared a laugh that was hastily interrupted by a sudden burst of energy that occurred just outside the bathroom stall. The animatronics all looked to see two figures watching them.

"Well, look who we have h"belch*ere! Chuckles the bear and his no-talent band!"

"Now, see here, mister. The Freddy Fazbear Band is beloved by children all over the tri-state area, and it be best if…"

"Oh, you came too. Get out of here, I've got bus… I've got business to deal with, starting with the fox," Rick said as he pulled out his portal gun. Before the Fox could charge him again, Rick fired the portal right at his feet. "There, furry! Now you can play around in dimension 34X2."

Bonnie nervously raised his hand. "Erhm, what's 34X2?"

"TWO D***S SOOOOOOO*BBUUUUUUUURP*NNNNNNN! Now the rest of you get back into the broom closet, I've got a huge cramp I need to rub out."

"Uh, I don't think that that would be the best for the animatronics. Their servos tend to lock up after a while when they remain in place, and…"

"ARE YOU STILL HERE?!"

Fazbear Battle Wagon TM (Formerly Pepe's Enchiladas and Meat Powder truck)

The Smith Family stared at their two captors as the truck sped down the town. The family hadn't said as much as a word since they saw the body tumble out the back. The two animatronics both simply sat and stared back at the Smith family, clutching their machine guns and trying to look more menacing then usual. Finally, Summer managed to find her voice.

"Wh-where are you taking us?" she asked.

"Eh, that's for us to know and you to find out. Isn't that right, Captain?" Bonnie said as he glanced towards the driver's seat.

"Uh… yeah! I mean, yeargh, we be docking at the port momentarily, ya swarthy landlubbers! Argh!"

Chica looked at the road. "Foxy… isn't that the same hobo we passed five minutes ago?"

"…Ye eyes deceive ye, fair fowl, for hence we arrive at our yonder destination, we be…"

Now Bonnie joined in. "Foxy, that's the high school! This is the third time we passed that!"

"… The stars, they… me compass be… I know what I'm doing!" Foxy whined.

"Oh, OK then! So… where are we?" Chica asked.

"…YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME! YOU CAN'T JUST LET ME DEAL WITH THINGS MYSELF! IT'S ALWAYS NAG NAG NAG WITH YOU TWO!" Foxy started to whine.

"YOU TOLD US YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!" Bonnie screeched.

"MAYBE IF YOU WOULD STOP BITCHING FOR FIVE MINUTES!" Foxy retorted.

"Uh… ahem… if you guys are lost, maybe I could…" Jerry began. Immediately, all the animatronics swiveled their heads around 180 degrees. "STAY OUT OF THIS, MEAT-SACK!" they screamed in unison.

Just then did a laser blast hit the side of the battlewagon, knocking nearly everyone off their feet.

"BALLS! They found us again!" Foxy screeched.

"Gee, they found a food truck wrapped in barbed wire, however could they have done that," Beth snarked under her breath.

"You are in no position to critique, lady! Bonnie, Chica, grab the elderly and head to the rendezvous point as discussed! I'll take the… I mean… I'll be taking the sea lass to me lair! Har-har-har!"

"We get it, you're a pirate!" Jerry rolled his eyes as both he and his wife were hoisted up and, with a swift kick of the back doors, were carried out of the back. As the truck sped away, Jerry and Beth could hear their daughter call out to them!"

"PLEASE DON'T LEave me with this asshole!"

Some distance away, Scary Terry rejoined his partner on top of a building. "Look at those bitches! Running away like little girls, HAHAHAHA!" he laughed.

"They show remarkable resilience. Putting up with the Rick human would certainly harden anyone," his partner spoke through a voice modulator.

"Yeah, and if Rick had to get us to help him take them down, things must be getting serious, bitch," Terry answered.

"What is this "bitch" of which you seek? I was unaware that either of us were females of breeding age?" the partner spoke.

"No, I mean… whatever, bitch. I don't care," Terry replied dismissively.

"…Terry, could I ask of you a favor?"

"…What is it?" the expy asked.

"…Could you scratch me behind the ears. These mech arms are quite ill suited for the task," Snowball asked.


	5. Chapter 5: Night 4

Chapter 5: Night 4

"SSSSSssssssuuuuupppPPPPP!" Rick yelled as he kicked the doors down on his way in. He downed his entire flask, and then chucked it right at Freddy's head. He strode casually towards the control room, strutting like a boss! Before he rounded the corner, he made it a point to moon the animatronics, just cuz he could. Then he vanished into the safety of the office.

Rick looked up at the clock, watching the minute hand inch closer and closer to the top. He stretched leisurely against the back of the chair, eyes getting sleepy. Now it was time to hook up the perpetual energy battery, play some house music for background noise, and then fall asleep. Rick reached into his pocket and… no.

Rick checked his other pocket too, but couldn't find anything there, either. Ricked checked everywhere, but couldn't find the damn thing! Where did… of course. When he was dealing with the gold furry suit, Bozo the bear, the groundhog and the emu must have stolen it. They were smarter then he gave them credit for, at least. Well, they weren't just smart enough, then!

"Yo, Fredbear and his fantastic band of misfit Disney rejects! You have five seconds to return the battery or, I swear on Morty's life, I'll kick your asses so hard I'll be able to stuff you guys in a wastebasket with room to spare. 'Cept the fox, you'll be heading to dimension 34X?, and I know you do*burp*n't want to know what goes on there! So how about it? Want to fess up now?"

He picked up the camera, looking at the three idiots still on the stage. Despite it being midnight, they hadn't moved at all. "So, you guys want to do it the hard way, huh?" Rick muttered as he cocked back the charger on his portal gun. He was about to march away when he realized something was off on the monitors. Bringing up the tablet, he looked at the three nimrods still on the stage. Rick wondered whether or not they had given up again when he saw the dent in the bear's head where his flask had struck it. It almost looked like cardboard, now that he thought of it. Seeing the ostrich stand in fall over set him into panic mode. Immediately, he slammed both the doors shut, right before huddling into a ball on the chair. "N-now listen here, you guys… this isn't anything personal. I'm just… I'm just doing my job, guys! Th-there isn't any need to escalate, heh-heh," Rick laughed nervously over the intercom as he flipped through the cameras. All the cameras were dead.

Suddenly, something tapped on the window behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, Rick could see the bear wearing something that resembled a balaclava and a tactical vest, the price tag with the Craigslist logo on it still attached. Waving to Rick, the bear brought up a C-4 charge, which also had a Craigslist price tag on it. Rick shook his head vigorously as Freddy nodded equally vigorously. Just as he vanished behind the door, Rick heard something behind him searing though the reinforced steel. Looking around, he could see a fire cutting a small hole through the doorway. As it finished, a flashbang (that also had a Craigslist price tag… you get the idea) grenade tumbled into the room. Rick barely had time to cover his eyes and ears when it went off, followed by simultaneous explosions from both doorways. He looked up just in time to see a (Craigslist tagged) machine gun butt hit him on the temple.

Later

Foxy peeked into the storage area. "Chica, fair lass, have ye found the perfect costume for our dearest crewmate, argh?" he asked.

"I think so. It's dated as heck, but I think it will suit him just fine," the chicken replied.

"Argh, but what if he don't like it?" Foxy asked. They paused for a minute, and then both erupted in laughter.

Elsewhere

Rick had the bag taken off his face, having been tied to a chair in a sketchy part of the pizzeria he had never been to. Looking around, he saw the beaver tapping a billy club against his palm while the bear dragged up another chair in front of him, before sitting down and looking the scientist in the eyes.

"…Well done, Rick. You truly did it. You made me and the others break all the rules we've been following all these years. I hope you're proud of yourself. If I didn't swipe that credit card from the other a-hole guard, our buddy Craig wouldn't have come through for us," he began. Rick struggled against his bindings and his gag.

"Now then, I've decided that, rather then maul you to death, I'll stick to tradition when it comes to offing you. Chica! Foxy! Get in here!" he yelled. The two entered the room, dragging in what looked like a raccoon suit covered in gold chains, a popped baseball cap, and a microphone. Freddy stared at the other two. "…That's the only suit you could find?" he asked.

"…Yeah," Chica added, sheepishly. Foxy scratched the back of his head, nervously. Rick cocked an eyebrow.

"…Rick, meet… MC Coon," Freddy began, clearly uncomfortable about where this was going. "He's a chapter of Freddy Fazbears history that we… that we kind of want to forget. We were looking to branch out into some more… urban territories, but the character was… well…"

The recording equipment in the suit sparked to life. "Yoyoyoyoyo, this is MC COOOOooon SON! Yo, uh, yo, uh Eating pizza at Fazbear's, uh, like you don't have a care, yo, don't be a dodo, uh, 'fore we get busted by the Po-po, yo!" and then the recorder powered down. After that little demonstration, no one could look anyone in the eyes.

"I'm not sure you can tell, but… our management isn't exactly known for good decision making," Bonnie replied, sheepishly.

"The blowback we got from that little stunt almost made the Bite of '87 look measured," Freddy added.

"…ENOUGH ABOUT THE COON! PUT THE SUIT ON THE LANDLUBBER, ARGH!" Foxy screeched.

After cutting the binds, the animatronics forced Rick to the ground. Bringing up the suit, they then stuffed Rick into the costume. Rick howled as the crossbeams and wires cut into his body. Before shoving the mask over his face, Freddy leaned in close, gauging Rick's reaction. "Any last words?" he taunted.

"…Why don't you… check the bathroom… when you're done?" Rick sputtered, before the mask was rammed over his head. After the spasms stopped, Bonnie and Chica both dropped him to the ground.

"…Well, that's that," Freddy said, nonchalantly.

"Not the cleanest victory, but the final score is all that matters," Bonnie added.

"This calls for a celebration! Who wants to eat!" Chica cheered.

"…What do you think he meant by "check the bathrooms," argh?" Foxy asked.

"Because that's where I've been the whole time," Rick said as he entered the room, carrying a fishing rod with a magnet in one arm and a glowing cube in the other.

"What the… how… when?" Freddy sputtered, looking between Rick in the doorway and Rick in the MC Coon suit.

"Yep, I couldn't get the perpetual energy battery out of the stinker last night, so I had to get a friend of mine to look after you losers while I got my hands di*UUUR*rty," Rick said as he bounced the battery up and down on his hand. "You guys think you can flush prime extra-dimensional tech down the toilet? This stuff ain't cheap," Rick said as he rolled the cube down the length of his arms, and across his shoulders. (Morty: Hey wait, how can you roll a… Rick: Don't think about it!)

"Wait, so while you were fishing in the toilet, we still actually killed a guy?" Bonnie asked.

"WOO-HOO, Forty-three to forty-five! We remain undefeated!" Chica continued to cheer.

"Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhno. See, remember that mold thing from the first chapter?" Rick asked.

"First what-ter?" Bonnie asked.

"Eh, don't worry about it, Bonnie, it's a main character thing. Only we are allowed to break the fourth wall," Freddy explained.

"What wall?" Chica said, looking around.

"Never mind those idiots. About a week ago, me and Morty rescued a critically endangered Sloovinian Shape-molder from some poachers that owed me money. I kind of liked having the little guy round, and I figured he'd prove useful in the future. See, Sloovinian Shape-molders take the shape and likeness of whomever last feeds it, which is useful in escaping assassinations, pulling off magic tricks, and writer fake-outs," Rick explained.

"…So, we killed an alien?" Freddy asked.

"Nope. I'll give you guys some privacy," Rick said as he locked the door.

The animatronics, all curious about what he was talking about, slowly turned towards the MC Coon suit on the ground. Slowly and deliberately, the suit began pushing itself off the ground as the recorder started up again. "Yo, uh, uh-huh, my name is MC Coon, and I'm crazier then a loon. I'm like you kids, love my candy and my vids, uh-huh! I'm a slick and phat rapper from the streets, yeah, so remember to eat your veggies and yo MEATS!" it growled as it began to grow until it was nearly a story high. When it was done, it looked down at the four animatronics, before punching its palm in anticipation.

Present Day

"And after it got done kicking our asses, it just… stormed out of the pizzeria, never to be seen again. Rick forced us to fix the wall, and then, once again, forced us into the closet. Except for Foxy, he got…" Freddy continued.

"Yeah-yeah, I hear you," Morty cut him off. They had been chatting for the better part of three hours, and in that time, had almost begun the process of… bonding. The more Morty talked to "Mr. Fazbear" the less he seemed like a rogue homicidal robot and more like a nice guy. He remembered a term in his psychology class, something like "Stockholm Syndrome," but then Rick had burst into the room to drag him out to go help Rick win an illegal galactic drag race or something. Mr. Fazbear, however, didn't push him or belittle him like Rick usually did. Maybe he was just happy to have someone who listened to him.

"Yo, Meeseeks, you almost done?" Freddy yelled into the house.

"**ALMOST, BOSS!"** the blue golem replied.

"Gee, those Meeseeks guys are popular, huh?" Freddy said.

"Yeah, there-there's quite a lot of demand to see those guys again, y'know. I'm-I'm always happy to see Meeseeks around, hope I see-I see them in the future," Morty replied. Freddy and Morty both laughed when the garage door exploded open. Coughing though the debris, Freddy could make out the outlines of two figures. One he had never seen before, but the other was unmistakable. "Sanchez!" Freddy growled.

"Oh, Fredbear. What are you doing in my **burp** my house?" Rick asked as he lifted the huge laser blaster on his shoulder.

"Freddy, Rick, please! You don't have to fight!" Morty tearfully yelled as he got between the two.

"Fight? With him? Please, I've got better things to do then raise an army to fight those guys," Rick said as he looked behind him, nervously. "Bird-person, do you sense… _it?_" he asked in an uncharacteristically nervous voice.

"I have not, Rick. Perhaps your fears are unfounded," Bird person replied.

"UNFOUNDED! If that… if that thing cracks into what it got its little… its little hands on, we are t*burp*alking chaos on a multiversal scale. The council will never get off my ass if that happened, not to mention, y'know, trillions of lives at stake."

"Wait, so the group you brought to fight us… you didn't actually bring to fight us?" Freddy asked.

Rick shook his head, "No, idiot. Like I need help putting you four down. No, this-this happened last night, when I started to tinker with my old time machine project…"


End file.
